I've had a case of the ups and downs recently. The past few days have been a little blue for me--I don't know if it's the weather or the fact that I always feel overtired or something else. I've gone to sleep and woken up with the same anxious feeling in my chest, a nagging in my belly, and restlessness in my kneecaps. I'm longing for something, and I don't know what. Something, someone, anything, new. I'm dwelling on regrets and mistakes1. But these are old blues old blues old blues, and it'll pass eventually. I've been toying with the idea of going home2 and listening to sad songs brilliantly disguised as happy songs to get me through.
Le Sport - It's Not The End Of The World
I remember dancing to this song with a new friend, a beautiful boy from Florida with the most stunning cheekbones I've ever seen. It was at a house party3 and we had shared a moment earlier in the night about the demise of the Swedish band Le Sport and this song in particular, how we both found it by accident and listened to it on an endless loop. Both of us sang along so loud to the line I used to wait for hours outside your house, outside your house with our hips shaking, arms flailing. It was such a nice moment set to such a sad song about the give and take and playing it cool4 when you really just want someone and their acknowledgement and a body in your bed the next morning so badly.
Anna Oxygen - Red Horse Cafe
On my walk home last night, I listened to this song as loud as I could. Down damp sidewalks, through the poorly lit bike path, and up the stairs to my room I had to consciously stop myself from moving my party shoulders5 and occasionally shake my head and take a breath because I felt like I had been punched real hard in the chest. The chorus reminds me of dancing with a really pretty girl, lights flashing all around and everything is so blurry because you're dancing so hard or maybe you've had a little too much to drink because since when can you really dance this honestly anyway? It's the part where you're so sweaty and close because it's so crowded and you're just looking at each other while everything is moving and everything that happens within the span of the song you're dancing to is somehow so important. I like you so much, I don't want to lose you, I think that I could kiss you but I know I will hurt you. How heartbreaking, that inability to meet in the middle of forever and never.
1 I'm secretly happy and thankful about the mistakes I've made and the potential of fixing them. I don't know.
2 I guess something's up when I'm thinking of going back to Tucson. But I think it's the right time, I haven't seen my family in almost a year and that could be a big part of my achey feelings as of late. I need to get my work schedule figured out, but I'm fairly certain that I'll be in the Old Pueblo the first week or so of September.
3 The vest party at my house in October. I stooped real low to get something I wanted that night, when all I really wanted was to crouch low enough to stay underneath the hood of her affection.
4 I'm tired of pretense and posturing and calculation and playing games. I'm trying to practice straight forwardness and sincerity because there's no good reason not to. I'm not interested in playing it cool and stifling my excitement for things or people. I'm not interested in others playing it cool with me, either. Let's just be honest with each other.
5 Reference: Nathan J. Schmidt listening to a good song at a good dance party. Watch out.
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